How hard can it be...

That is my first thought when I decided to start my full-pledge researcher and academician career.. Venturing into the unknown world of PhD-ship.. Sound a bit cocky and arrogant.. That's what I'm thinking about that phrase NOW.... It is supremely hard.. harder than genova in FF7... harder then Xenogears 10 bosses.. it took everything away from me.. and yet.. I can't let all of it go.. SO.. It become harder.. The hardest thing I ever felt.. 

Seriously.. memang serabai.. I'm not sure how people can easily manage it.. people get through of it.. finishing in 3 years or even 3.5 years.. I'm thinking it will took ages for me.. or even decades.. How people can live everyday and have the might to stand up even after going down beneath the earth crust every single day.. how come people have that kind of might.. The might of a Titan.. of a Cyclops or even the Might of all the legendary heroes..

Now, it been nearly 1.5 years I'm here.. and the absurdly lithium contamination is still there keep appearing without warning.. Dah naik muak la.. come on.. I'm sick of all this thing.. I just want one simple freaking result.. A single result that show it works.. That will give hope for me to live for another day.. I'm tired of all this.. all this meaningless torturing and suffering.. Seriously, another contamination.. and absurd one.. it will definetly take my breath away.. What do you want me to do anymore.. I'm not moaning.. I'm begging.. I'm trying my best (but not very best yet).. Is that what you want.. leaving everything behind.. Stop caring about other things.. Sacrifice all the loving and compassion feeling towards other and just put you and only you in my world.. Complete seggregation.. isolation and Ideal Solitude.. Is that the sacrifice that I need to do before you can give me anything.. or even a single answer... A single freaking hope.. I just don't understand anymore.. It doesn't make sense.. I kept thinking about you day and night.. but everysingle move that I make.. it is a failure indeed.. Every single freaking one.. I'm running out of idea.. I don't have anymore knowldege that I never tried to satisfied your need and hunger..

And now.. apart from you.. I need to divide my other half for modelling and simulation stuff.. Adoiiii.. Tolong la.. Benda sebelum nie  pown terkapai-kapai.. now.. need to do a full-pledge simulation and modelling... Kalau kene tau nak kira dan analisis takpe jugak.. Skang kene faham all the physic behind it.. Nak kene tau kenapa dan sebab ape dia terjadi.. Tu belum dengan sume terminologi... lepas tu bile nak interpret Band Structure or Density of State.. kene la plak gune certain tool.. yang kene tulis sendiri scriptnyer... Computer Language... Come on.. what else I need to know.. Everything is it.. From Chemistry to Physic to Math to Computational and its Languages.. writing script and all stuff.. All of that..

Kekadang tu bila aku compare dengan orang lain.. they seem to have much easier things to do.. Things that I understand.. That I can understand and I know I can do well in it.. but they don't.. So, I guess that's why I can't do their project.. because all this PhD-ship stuff is teaching you what you can't and not what you can... Its teaching me to become a greater man than before.. somehow like a workout session, to create a good muscle, you have to do what your muscle can't.. at the end, your muscle will and can do that stuff.. but without a good trainer or even inderstanding.. you wouldn't achieve it... 

So, what is the answer for this PhD-ship???? If I succeed, I will become a greater person and surpass my previous capacity and capabilities... That sound really well and good.. indeed... but what should I do.. What can I do.. and What I have to do... What it takes to be a PhD holder.. what kind of sacrifice do I need to make.. I'm lost... and I'm trapped in the captivity of negativity.. Unless I can create double or even triplet to help me go through this.. Somehow, I hope that I can learn all the ninjutsu in Naruto.. especially the Kage Bunshin.. With that, maybe I can go through this rough time.. but without it.. I'm doom I guess.. Just waiting for the day to come.. the day that will end this misery..