Baru lepas cakap pasal eyes of Hunter kan..Tetibe discover benda baru.. when you are using your eyes including your inner eyes to be a good observer.. You will find something absolute.. Yup.. It is true.. and I found one.. Fear that reside deep in my heart.. Konon aku confident bile observed orang lain boleh belajar banyak benda.. dan aku tak sedar dalam diam aku sebenarnya observed diri aku sendiri.. dan lepas seketika aku mengaku.. Aku dalam masalah and I'm not fine.. Lepas borak dengan kawan-kawan aku.. secara ringkas.. aku masih dalam keadaan trauma.. Walaupun badan aku jasad dan fizikal.. even mind state aku dah stabil dengan event yang berlaku februari lepas.. Emosi dan psikologikal aku masih tak recover sepenuhnya.. With few simple event, orang yang dah lama kenal aku mungkin boleh detect.. So at last aku senaraikan semua benda pelik yang aku buat:
1. Dah 2 minggu aku masuk lab tapi most of the time aku baca komik dan tak sentuh reaktor langsung.
2. Tak sampai 5 minit aku duduk dalam lab aku dah gelisah dan keluar dari tempat tu.
3. Bila buat 3 eksperimen serentak. Kept forgetting the other two.
4. Data yang sepatutnya boleh collect hari ni aku tunggu esok dan esok dan esok..
5. Inventori dan barang aku dah tak keep track
dan benda paling aku tak sangka aku buat semalam
6. I walked away from scientific talk because they delayed the time for 15 minutes..
Okay.. aku admit aku freakout bila aku list down benda alah ni.. tapi time its happen aku takde pape perasaan not even a single thing hit me.. Seolah-olah aku dah sampai tahap kekosangan yang tak buat aku risaukan pape pown.. Which is good rite? but on the other hand.. It seem that I lost interest in knowldege and scientific world.. In another point of view.. Mungkin aku taku nak masuk balik dalam dunia tu sebab insiden lepas give one of the greatest impact I ever had.. Mungkin... aku sendiri pown tak pasti..
Apa yang aku pasti.. I didn't put any effort in my research life anymore.. I didn't put any soul into my movement anymore.. It seem like a programed robot doing stuff.. I don't used my head.. my brain to think.. It just work spontaneously.. Somehow.. deep inside me, the scientist that I know just died.. Aku tak nak la kata dah mati.. mungkin koma.. yup.. koma the right word.. nanti dia sedar balik nie.. Tapi semangat juang aku dah hilang.. Belang tarung dan semua benda alah tu dah hilang.. the killing intent just gone.. swift by the wind.. Sampai tahap seolah-olah aku takde sebab nak bangun awal... and I stop doing optimisation in my life.. No more analysis in my daily life.. No more shortest route, no more less energy route, no more optimised work need to be used, optimised time to be anticipate.. No more anticipate the unanticipated. No more thinking of what next.. Just live life in the present.. Is this a normal human life that one should live on.. Without any worries, without any skillful thinking style.. With optimising every single moment of his own life.. Or is it I'm just tired of thinking.. because at the end it will be the same.. Is it that I just lost faith and reason to live anymore.. I'm not sure what happen.. but I know that I'm not okay because it is not my own style and my own way..
When did Zamir ever start his labwork after 10 am.. It is totally absurd...
Somehow deep inside my heart, there still fear.. Fear to enter the world of knowledge again.. because I've been given so much been trying my best and I drop dead just like that.. People said that the strongest person is the one that get up when they fall.. I thought I'm able to do that and stand on my feet.. I did but my soul still lying on the ground afraid to face the fear..
The normal feeling gone too:
Excitement
Happy
Sad
Cheerful
Anger
Enthusiasm
Disappointment
All those feeling is not there when I start to wear my lab coat or even hold a piece of diamond.. The only feeling that I felt is just nothingness and emptiness.. Am I on the path of Asura.. Or Am I already fall into the Abyss of Darkness.. I'm not sure.. and I'm not sure how to encounter it.. How to overcome and to regain the excitement and enthusiasm back.. To bring back the passion and love towards it.. To use the fear as stepping stone.. to use the fear as strength in my endeavor.
It is going to be one of the battle.. The battle between myself.. Whether I'll be retuning as the person that seek knowledge for the greater good or I'll not be returning at all.. I wish there is someone that had walk this path before and guide me to place where I'm belong to... because I know that I should create a strong conviction and belief in myself.. Never ever give and so on.. but fear is a fearsome opponent.. Without a proper guide, it is not going to be an easy battle..
2 comments:
Salamualeykum,
ur not alone, i've been there, tried so many things to raise myself again but seems not working as how i hope it would. Feels like u fall down and just dont know how to pick urself up- just let it hurt u as u fall. Tp rasanya sy da jumpa jwpn yg paling ideal bg mjawab pertanyaan kite ni..rsanya jwpn yg paling tepat dan relevan so far.
http://langitilahi.com/8490
PS: jgn bputus asa thadap Allah :)
Wa'alaikumussalam,
First of all.. Thank you for the link..
Tak dinafikan sumber bacaan tu bagus dan sedikit sebanyak memberi jawapan.. Yet I still need another type of answer.. Jawapan yang aku sendiri masih mencari.. I've being doing those stuff.. Try kurangkan dosa dan lakukan peningkatan dalam hidup. Ada matlamat yang jelas tapi matlamat tu bukan lagi dengan dunia penyelidikan ni. It still does not give a strong conviction towards my belief.
Since my existence to create a better future and a better world. To protect the one that I loved and the one that I treasure. I do not see it anymore through research and complicated science.
I kept thinking if I stop now, I can start helping people with my hand. First hand experience. Field work and such. It seem that I could do lots of thing without having a title in my name. Lots of people could help other people without venturing deep into complicated science and forth. They manage to do it and yet I still stuck here doing something for myself for my own pleasure without worrying about the disaster that happen around me and others.
I know all this answer seem to be avoiding or running from my existing life. but is this the life I wanted or is it the life that the society want me to be.
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